15. Dance Mania by Tito Puente (1957)

Now if you recall I had been caught out with Latin dance rhythms in the past. The recording of Kenya made a mockery of my normally impenetrable defences and left me wallowing in self-indulgent excess to the point where I spent a precious few moments with my necktie loosened. I feel underdressed if the top button of my flannelette pyjamas isn’t securely fastened when retiring, so to be seen in public with my adams apple clearly visible was a lapse in judgement that I was in no way willing to tolerate again. But then my preventative efforts, which you will recall involved deliberately impairing my hearing, prevented me from noticing a fire alarm and receiving a nasty drenching at the hands of the local fire authority. So while I was satisfied that blocking my ears prevented any Latin dance rhythm related mishaps, I was understandably eager to avoid being caught short if a fire alarm sounded again.

So what did you do?

I arrived at the studio with a small, festive, green balloon, which I had acquired in a set of circumstances far too cumbersome to relate in any sort of detail here. But suffice it to say I had a balloon and a small length of thread and prior to the group’s arrival, I climbed up to the alarm, which was an old fashioned bell with a hammer arrangement, and fastened the balloon on to it in such a manner that should the alarm sound, the balloon would fall to the floor.

So you had a visual way of knowing if the alarm went off?

Exactly. It meant I could go about my duties secure in the knowledge that no rhythms would penetrate my ear protection but if the studio did catch fire I could vacate the premise with the other personnel. I ensured the balloon was in my eye-line at all times which did cause some complications I’ll freely admit. I fell over instruments on several occasions because I was looking at the balloon not where I was going, and at one point I thought I was dusting a piano but was actually dusting the pianist, but on the whole, it was a definite success.

Is that what you did in Latin dance sessions from then on?

Sadly no. I was forced to discontinue the practice when the knot unfastened by itself and the balloon descended despite no fire being present. Some of the musicians were distracted by the sight of a balloon falling to the floor but even those that weren’t had their concentration disrupted when I shouted “Fire!” at the top of my voice. Somewhere in the studio vaults, there is a recording of a song that is progressing nicely and meeting all the requirements of a solid piece of dance music but is sadly ruined when an alarmed, but still refined, English voice cuts in with calls of “Fire! Fire! There’s a fire in the building. Don’t just stand there you fools run for the exits!”

Did they listen?

Yes. There’s something about an upper-class English accent that the Americans find extremely persuasive so everyone rushed from the building and stood in the street looking alarmed, then confused and then I’m sad to say, more than slightly annoyed. I eventually discovered the cause of the misunderstanding and tried to persuade them that it was all just a balloon-related mishap and could have happened to anyone. The studio banned me from tampering with fire preventative equipment from then on I’m afraid.